At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
