I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
