I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
