I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
