I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
