i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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