The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
