Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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