u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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