i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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