my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
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