he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
