Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
