anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I am one with the molecules
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
