I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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