She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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