my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
