I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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