you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
