Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
