Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
