If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
