highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
