you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
