I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
