I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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