Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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