Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
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