rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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