Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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