Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
