He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
