i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize