so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize