I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
