Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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