The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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