and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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