I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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