i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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