It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
