Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
