yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
