I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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