Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
What drink are we having for lunch?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
