I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just cropdusted the office
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
