I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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