You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
