I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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