I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
