Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
