either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
