Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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