lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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