you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
it's like iHOP with fire
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
