it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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