The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
