she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
