At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
